I’ve found some truly strange things on the sidewalk in front of my apartment: half-full bottles of Cabernet, hoboes peeing, lost children, foreign coins, even an Ann Taylor suit once. But nothing has been so strange as the following paper — right on the heels of a similar memo leaked to a newsmagazine just a few blocks away. Herewith:

Date: 5 November 2004
From: C. Bill Press
To: Billionaires for Bush, Chicago & Milwaukee
Re: Huzzah — but Billionaires will not rest!

My fellow Lake Michigan Billionaires,

Just hours after our selection committee made its announcement, Georgie turned around and reaffirmed that OUR priorities are HIS priorities, and that he will go to no length to expend “political capital” on Billionaires’ behalf!

Now, we all enjoy having plenty of all sorts of capital at our disposal, but my, political capital may very well be the finest sort of capital. And never before have Billionaires had access to such generous quantities of it: the entire federal government stacked with our cronies, plus a “mandate” secured by millions of gullible plebeians. Indeed, “tax simplification,” “reining in runaway lawsuits,” and”saving Social Security” are among W’s top priorities, on which he has pledged to “move quickly.” And our minions down on Wall Street are already banking on lighter regulations and ever more “trickle down”: tobacco, oil, weapons, insurance, pharma, brokerage, and luxury-retail stocks all skyrocketed this week. Huzzahs indeed!

We Billionaires will be richly rewarded over the next four years, but I also have spied rumors in the papers about “resisting” or “obstructing” our, er, George’s divine plans to enrich the rich. This is just incomprehensible, in the face of our overwhelming victory and divine birthrights. We shall make those class-traitor Democrats learn once and for all that Billionaires will stop at nothing, absolutely nothing, to secure the blessings of greater wealth.

We shall not rest until we can confidently look our children in the eye and assure them that the twin bogeymen of Inheritance and Income Tax have been slayed at last; until tankers filled with sweet Iranian crude steam their way past our Bermudan tax shelters en route to my Jersey refineries; until my lawyers can file counter-suits against those who dare sue me with tales of so-called pain and suffering.

If necessary to secure these goals, I call upon you (and your handmaidens, houseboys, butlers, servants, lackeys, and assorted others at your service) to remain vigilant and on call over the next few years. We shall win these battles (as we always do), but it is not yet time to rest on our laurels or hang up our hats. The impressive and unprecedented mobilization of formerly secretive Billionaires over the past few months was absolutely crucial in this latest victory, and further mobilization may be necessary in the months to come.

A new day of opportunity awaits us, but a few last trials may stand in the way. Please have your secretary contact me if I can count on your continued support in the months ahead. Our fortunes literally depend on it.

Yours in wealth,
C. Bill

$$$

CBP/pc

What. Does. It. Mean. ?.