This was emailed to Break the Gridlock yesterday:
NASCAR To Terminate All Auto Races Following Gulf Oil Spill
By JENNA FRYER
AP Auto Racing Writer
Ashamed and appalled at the devastation of British Petroleum’s Gulf of Mexico Oil spill, NASCAR Board Chairman Brian France announced today the end of NASCAR’s car and auto racing empire. “The impact on thousands of NASCAR Fans in the Deep South is clear,” He said, “NASCAR will be reorganizing as NACHAR, the National Association of Chariot Racing.” “Chariot Racing is a true Man’s Sport,” quipped NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson, while overseeing the design of his first NACHAR Chariot, to be named the Ben Hur. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. endorsed the move, adding “I confess, our critics have had one thing right for years: NASCAR Drivers are not athletes, Chariot Racing will give them the opportunity to really impress the waitresses at Hooters.”
NACHAR’s target date for the Chariot Rollout is July 4th. The depavement of raceways, and replacement with packed red clay for the Chariot Races is already underway at several racetracks. Parking lots are being downsized and converted for Horse and bicycle parking. Limited automobile parking will still be available for people with mobility issues. Plans are to depave about 90% of the parking lots, and replace them with demonstration permaculture gardens, the produce to be promoted and sold as a healthier alternative to former NASCAR fans. Company Vice President James France cited private studies by the National Institutes of Health commissioned by NASCAR, confirming a threefold incidence of obesity and heart disease among NASCAR fans as motivation for the change. “This is change NASCAR Fans can believe in,” He said, “We want our fans to be around in their Golden Years, so they can enjoy Chariot Racing with their Grandchildren.”
Executive Vice President Lesa Kennedy was enthusiastic about the move, and added the that NASCAR is boycotting all British Petroleum products and terminated BP’s sponsorship for the final week of NASCAR events. “My Daytona Beach neighbors have expressed sheer excitement about the changes,” gushed Ms. Kennedy. A surprise lineup of Celebrities and Racehorses is planned for the July 4th Daytona Beach NACHAR Races. The NACHAR.com website rollout is scheduled for May 27th.